Articles
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By Balwant Puranik
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1)Retirement
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Had I titled this article as old age instead of retirement, some of the
seniors here would have been angry with me. Some one would say “I am
just 75 years young”. Further at the very outset I would clarify that the
focus of this article and one or two to follow is not to advise the young
retirees here, but to throw some ideas for further discussion.
The retirement age can be viewed as golden age. There are no worries of
various types confronting us earlier. In the student days, we had to strive to keep grades. As adults we had to earn our livelihood. In the process, some of us in service, pleased bosses and either stayed clear of office politics or play politics with an eye on promotion. Those in profession or business had to keep worrying to earn sufficient to maintain family befitting our status. This is not the case in retirement. Therefore retired life can be made moreenjoyable. But for this we will have to focus our attention on things like health, relations with family members, relations with friends and the people we come in contact. Last but not the least there is time to pause and think of spiritual life.
Since more time is available, there is need to plan to keep yourself busy. Get involved in new activities. If you have certain interests that you could not pursue when young, this is the time. Try to learn new things. This will keep you busy, physically and mentally. Remember shy people sometimes get isolated. Therefore mix with people. You are still useful and have worth. Therefore don’t have sense of insecurity grapple you. Stimulate your brains.Write and read in Creative writig class. Those who use internet surf web site http//www.enchantedmind.com.
HEALTH:-
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Last year we were fortunate to hear Mrs. Desai’s talks on diet. I still recollect balanced diet. Those interested to read more on internet go to website:www.2shapeup.org/cyberkitchen.Maintain right weight. Control your blood pressure and cholesterol level. Prevent what they call brittle bones, undergo periodical medical test. Don’t smoke. Manage stress. Is it a long list? Did you get afraid? Or do you want to tell me that you know all these things? Well you may know all these. In that case just take it as reminder. Exercise is the most important aspect of the retirement stage. Find out a type of exercise you really enjoy. Brisk walking particularly for the Indian Americans is most practical. I have seen some retirees walking within the Great Mall in Milpitas in winter and rainy season. U.S.
Government’s recommendation is one must have at least 30 minutes of daily aerobic exercise to keep up muscle strength. Exercise is good for avoiding depression. For seniors, to maintain continuity is not easy. There has to be a commitment. Then you have Yoga class here every Friday. This will also help maintain stress. Avoid sedentary life style like lying or sitting in Sofa and reading or watching T.V. for longer times. Oh what a long list!
O.K. I now come to the next important aspect that affects all of us-family ties. As one grows old, there is need to be part of loving and supportive family. Hence there is need to nurture good family relationship and to repair broken ones. The family is more than an economic unit. It is instrument to give and receive love. If one wants to enjoy the retirement, it is essential to have good relationship with parents, spouse, children and grand children. Any family would be far from perfect. Some manage well, some poorly and some cannot at all. The reason is simple. No person is ideal. The same is the case with any family. If a family can’t function well for any reason whatsoever, the result is all the members suffer and the older ones are likely to suffer more because of loss of affection and
interaction. They are the ones who require help and care as they grow
older.
2)Retirement
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In my last article I had stressed the importance of maintaining health
in post retirement stage. I had also spoken the need to have good
relations in family and with friends. Another suggestion was to if relations are
strained, the same may be repaired. Today I would talk on family
functioning. No family is perfect and no individual (except Lord
Krishna) has been perfect. Some in family assume more responsibilities, while
some do not. Behavior of different individuals in the family may not be to the
liking of each other. In short members in the family may not be on same
wave length with respect to the various issues including day today issues.
There may be lack of communications among the members. This creates stress in
relationship and sometimes conflicts. The question is how to remove differences and if not removed, how to keep them in manageable level. Frankly there is no one single medicine for it. It depends on many factors and different situations prevailing. We have to understand the basic reasons. One reason is that the retiree was Head of the household capable of taking independent decisions and others followed his dictates. The situation suddenly changes when he turns dependent on his sons and daughters. The roles are reversed. The adjustment to the changed situation is not
easy.
The question is what is the best course of action for the seniors? I
would say that the senior can be helpful as much as possible to the family.
Spend time with family, especially with grand children. Remember you are no
longer leader in the family. The differences in the family can be attributed
only in some degree to generation gap. There may be other reasons too
including environment in the US and the busy schedule of the young who can’t pay
more attention to other family members. One way is to develop humor about
differences in lifestyles. Also withdraw yourself. Develop detachment
preached in Bhagwat Gita. In fact keep Bhagwat Gita with you and read
and re-read on “niskam karma” developing detachment. Always try to keep
the goal of “ Sthitadpardnaya”. Goal is almost impossible. Keep working
towards this goal.
This does not mean that you be silent spectator to what is going on.
Don’t give up on what I call substance abuse. Speak about it. In extreme case
get help. I now turn to relationship with spouse.
Young couple immediately after marriage is in a very romantic mood that last for few years. The man thinks that his wife is angle. The women views
husband God like. As the years wear out, each one notices shortcoming in the others. The wave length does no longer remain one but there are two wave lengths parallel to each other, sometimes coming to close to each other virtually looking as one and again drifting. So long as they are close to each other, running in same directions, there is harmonious blending, with only occasional shouting. As far as seniors are concerned, there to my mind does not arise question of divorce. Better course would be to ignore
minor differences, speak less, avoid topics which cause serious differences
in opinion, be generous to the extent possible. Watch word should be “sacrifices”. If possible meet some unreasonable demands. Speak about the differences in frank and cool atmosphere. Try to give emotional security. See that each spouse has financial security.
Speaking of financial security, it is advisable to have a place to stay and reasonable income generating safe investment back in the home country.
Better have faith in relatives. But don’t have too much of blind faith. Always see that you are secure finanicially.
As regards investments, I would suggest that have conservative investments. Avoid major portion in stock market or risky ventures when you are too
old to do things.
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3)HOW TO LIVE A HAPPY AND DIGNIFIED LIFE
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LIFE IS COMPLEX:
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Happiness and sorrow are part of life and they overlap. It is a complex phenomenon. The word “happiness defies definition. Some may relate it to fun; cheerfulness, good luck or some may equate happiness with success. But success can’t be ensured in each undertaking. US Supreme Court Justice when dealing with issue of obscenity had remarked “ I can’t define it, but I know what is obscenity when I see it. In case of happiness
even this is not possible.
Happiness is a state of mind. It also depends on the mental make of the person. It also depends upon the surrounding situation relating to the person and how he reacts to it and the events.
The question arises why are people in general are not happy? Is it the insatiability of human nature or is it because of the law of diminishing returns? Ford, the richest man in the world at one time was asked how much money he wants to make further. His reply was “little more”. Is it true of happiness too? Is the habit of man comparing himself with others a cause of unhappiness? Is it that like “perfection”, happiness is illusory?
Fun is a temporary phenomenon. Happiness is an on going process. Now
the fact is all wish happiness twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
Happiness is not a commodity that one can go the market and buy it.
Every thing that leads to achievement, success involves pain. Sportsman like
Magic Johnson (basket ball), Sachin Tendulkar, Kapil Dev (Cricketers), Pele
(Soccer) achieved greatness by hard work, practice, concentration and
much more. As per one study, bachelors make more fun, but married are
happier than bachelors. Again some in advanced countries choose not to have
children. But then those with children are found happier. In general
expectations from relatives friends and other persons when not fulfilled
lead to unhappiness.
Some points keep self happy could be:
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1. Have POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE of mind: Have conviction that you can
direct and control your emotions, moods, feeling, attitudes, passions
and also habits.
2.Avoid NEGATiVE thoughts, rather banish them from your mind.
3.Do to others as you would have done to you. Devote your thoughts
and activities towards MAKING OTHERS HAPPY in little things daily. To bring
happiness to others, will return happiness manifold to you.
4.ACCEPT PEOPLE as they are. Don’t expect/demand that they should be
like you. Everybody has something good in him. Tolerance, love and affection
on the other hand will build up your Positive Mental Attitude. Try to do a
small good deed a day. At least don’t hurt anybody. You don’t have to spend
anything for showing a common courtesy.
5.WE BECOME WHAT WE THINK about most of the time.
6.POWER OF PRAYER whether it is God, Universe or some unseen divine power is a great in healing your mind. When you pray, you do it with belief
and faith and that restores your confidence.
7.SET GOALS plan and execute them. A long journey begins only with first single step.Persons are born with certain personality traits. Whether this is fully genetic or partially formed while in uterus, or unique for any other reason is subject of separate study. Important point is some are born predisposed towards happiness and some towards unhappiness. Not all are chronically born unhappy. Many of these become unhappy at some stage in life.
SIMPLICITY IN LIFE:
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Another key to happiness is to simply life.
CLEAN UP YOUR HOME:
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We should live in good surrounding. In home we should
make efforts to get rid of junk and items no longer required. We
collect host of items such as utensils, furniture, books, decorative pieces,
clothing and what not. There will be items that we have not even
touched for years. We get rid of them by donating the same to needy persons or
institutions. I am convinced in the concept “less is more”. I came
across a research study where it was found that people with house full of goods
clustering around tend to eat more and put on weight causing health
problem.
Then once you have tidied and organized the house, you will not be tempted to buy things and order cupboards and closest to keep them or stuff things in boxes. I am surprised to see many people in USA stuffing junk of few hundred dollars in garage and parking their cars in costing thousands
of dollars in the driveway or on road!
FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT:
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The most important thing for the senior people is to lead life with dignity, pride and honor. Freedom from money anxiety is a requirement of a happy life. People who are afraid of failure or think of failure are more likely to fail. The key to happiness is the ability to enjoy what one has even if it does not look much to an outsider. Better not say I don’t want more money or I don’t care for money. That way you block your vision in relation to wealth and money. Say I will work hard and
be successful and if it does not work I am OK with what I have or what I
get.
Money, in old times and also now, is a reality and a necessity and people know the advantages of money and richness. Financial independence is directly related to money with you and your needs. If you have money for income flow for your basic needs of food, shelter and accommodation, money does not remain an issue in your life. For senior people in retirement it is difficult to increase income. If income is short, one will have to reduce needs. Don’t compare your richness or poverty with those of others. If you are envious of others having more money and wealth than you, it will bring unhappiness to you. If you have excess money, donate some to good
cause. If you are fortunate to get some inheritance, treat it as a gift. In case
of dispute in the family, amicable settlement even at the cost of parting
more in favor of other family members will bring peace of mind and mental satisfaction. The most important thing is money can’t buy most important things in life and that is partner and family members. Therefore we
have to commit ourselves to people and not money. Always be fair with your
financial dealing with people.
HEALTH:
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Try to maintain good health. Good exercise, good diet and happy outlook in life will keep you healthy and away from illness and medicine. Have brisk walk for half an hour or go to Gym, do yoga, go for swimming or play game that will burn your calories. Have seven hours or eight hours of good sleep. EAT good quality food for your body and mind. Get rid of that extra pound by exercise by intelligently selecting food. Avoid saturated fats, fried food, sodas and eating fast food. In USA one gets olive oil or corn oil that contain less saturated fats Use protein food with high carbohydrates. Eat more vegetables and fruits for fibers. Eat in small
quantity nuts, almonds. Doctors recommend eating fruits vegetables rather than juices. Drink tea for longevity of life. I came across an article which gives formula Olive oil + red wine (only one glass) is = to long life. The body once adjusted to less food can cope with extra calories once a fortnight/month when invited for buffet lunch or dinner a banquet!
TIME MANAGEMENT:
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The young working generation here do fix up priorities
and accomplish the tasks. They don’t allow trivial matters come into their
priorities and time management. They concentrate on one thing at a time
and avoid superfluous activities.Some senior people have no time, while some get bored. Now some tasks may be too big and some may be unimportant. My suggestion to seniors here is don’t try to be perfectionist. Life has its flaws. Allow some latitude towards a happy and relaxed imperfection. Time management need not allow tension on this account. However some errors that are danger to your life may be
avoided. The best examples are crossing road, use of medicine, driving.
All mistakes of past should be treated as learning experience. In USA there
are lots of facilities available for learning. Good Libraries are located
in all cities. Use them. Do some good reading or learning something of
interest. Keep your brain activity. In short keep yourself engaged. Lastly avoid
working or keeping company with unhappy people! If in the purse there
is enough saving, go on tours with group or family for change and recreation. Keep smiling. In the second and final article I will deal with “Personal relations with family members and others, increasing life expectancy and medical power of attorney (living will).
“Sarve Sukhinah Santu” (Wishing all be happy)..
4)HOW TO LIVE A HAPPY AND DIGNIFIED LIFE
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PERSONAL RELATIONS:
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Everyone’s life is interconnected with hundreds of lives. Life without relationship is poor. Life without your family, relatives and friends would create a void. We have to maintain and deepen such relationship with mutual give and take. Networking whether in business or relationship is a must for enjoyment, success and joy. How this relationship is to be developed is for individual to decide. One thing
to remember is never to offend guests and hosts. If you don’t meet friends
for long, make phone call and try to remain connected.
RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY MEMBERS:
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This is very difficult, complicated but most important relationship in one’s life. There are issues like love, dependency, friendship, and guilt, anger in relationship with parents, spouse and children. There will be number of feelings which will be in
conflict with each other. In relationship with parents or children, there is a generation gap. Parents brought you into this world. Have understanding with them and listen and respect them. Relationship with mother is special. Lord Krishna said every mother is good. This is because mother loves her children irrespective of how children treat her. Don’t say things that may cause wounds that never heal. If you do so, it may bring you repentance.
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN:
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It is accepted that the relationship between opposite sexes is incomparable source of happiness. It could turn into obstacle. Men & women are different from each other. The difference could bring both conflict and comfort. Getting along is itself a learning process and if done is a great achievement. A survey showed that good
sex life is necessary for a good and happy marriage. Why are there failure
or unhappiness in some cases? The study showed that the reason is insatiability. Survey in western region showed that men hanker for variety while for women it is emotional intimacy. Men should realize the distinct difference in them and the limitation to the satiability of their urges. omen on the other hand should appreciate that they can never satisfy her emotional nature. Even with a very loving husband who is intimate and communicates well, she will have frustration. She will desire to have more love, time and intimacy of her children, her parents and her
grandchildren.
RELATIONSHIP WITH SPOUSE:
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The twentieth century has witnessed tremendous spread of education of women in every faculty and they are competing with men in jobs with equal success. Women in general have achieved economic independence. This has led to more expectations between husband and wife. The reasons are increased pressures on each while pursuing success in profession, economic independence, urge to have happy sex life, efforts
to mould children so that they achieve success in educations, sports and other arts as never before. This has caused some strain in relationship. We senior citizens had lived in extended families where some others used to take care of some of the issues. Today small family is expected to cope with demands of the modern day world. This situation is a good breeding ground to generate into friction and unhappy atmosphere. Now there is a need for dialogue. No two persons are the same or on the same wavelength all the times and through out the married life. Basically the couple’s temperament, outlook to various issues, ideas, priorities, food habits, pattern of approach to home, its decoration, interaction with relatives of the
couple and of the friends are some of the important matters where there could
be small to serious differences. In short there are two realities, one of
husband and the other of wife.
Here again I am reminded of the famous detective novel writer Earl
Stanley Gardner writing under pen name Parry Mason. In one of his novels he
makes observation about couple on the lines below. Immediately after the
marriage the wife thinks that the husband is God and the husband thinks that the
wife is an angel. As the years pass they start noticing the shortcoming in
each other. There has to be a good dialogue to iron out the differences.
Each one must give some space to other and ignore minor irritants. This does not
happen in every case and the result could be unhappy.
The fact is you both know each other much less than you thought. An
honest dialogue will put to end the secret conviction nurtured by each that he or she alone is better the two. In ultimate analysis you can’t change other. Each has to change without expectation from the other. Make your dreams a joint exercise. Dialogue may not work initially, but then next one will get better than earlier. Improved communications will enhance one’s married life. May be after many years in marriage, every man or woman wants to be conquered time and again!
EXPECTANCY OF LIFE is increasing with better health knowledge,
exercise diet control and medical advance. Plan with your partner how are you to
lead it. Plan what hobby you would like to pursue, what places you want to go, how would you like to be active physically and mentally. The key to happiness is positive mental attitude, increasing level of tolerance and simplifying life. With this all will reach the mission of life
(“Manzile”).
Enjoy life. I wish you happiness.
AFTER DEATH:
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In USA it is desirable to prepare what is called living
will also called as directive or medical power of attorney. This document
specifies the medical treatment or health care you want to receive in
care you are in state of health where the person can’t communicate. It is a
directive to your Doctor to guide the doctor and the family members
whether they should delay your death. In USA it is always advisable for young
working people and also seniors with property to prepare WILL or a revocable trust. Those seniors who have migrated to this country after retirement
in India and have left properties and assets in India, it is better to take certain steps as also to have a “WILL”.
LIVE WITH DIGNITY:
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Don’t belittle yourself or other person. If some person
envies you and says something sarcastic or makes comments that are not
in good taste, say without anger that it is your choice and that you have
made decisions as he himself. Anger is a chemistry that prevents building up
and development of networking between friends, acquaintances, colleagues
and relatives. Some people are more prone to criticize others or to find
fault with them. The only solution to happier and relaxed life is to come of
clean out of this negative tendency to form judgments and prejudices, as
otherwise it takes your control and disturbs your perceptions. To simply your
life concern yourself with your life. When you constantly think about the
solutions to other people’s problems, you are burdening yourself with
stress. Every person has ability inherent in him for a relaxed and happy life. But these abilities never show up due to certain convictions and rigid ideas formed. To open the positive aspects of one’s personality try to step in the shoes of others to see from their point of view. If you say something without annoyance, without pressure or a sarcastic message, the other person’s response may be different. This principle stands good in relation to parents, as also children. Let us join in the prayer of Sant Dyaneshwar, a Marathi saint voiced in prayer to Lord of Universe in his “Pasayadan” to grant mankind “Je Je
wamchil te te saho pranijat” that is “Let all the living beings get
what is desired by them” and again “Kimbahuna sarva sukhi hovuni tinhi loki”
that let mankind be “all happy” in all the three places in the universe
(earth, heaven and hell)”. Best wishes to the reader for fulfilling his/her
life’s “Manzile” (mission).
(writer is lawywer by profession. He is also deep thinker.)
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