Staying with Son in Law
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By Dr Shakuntala Gheewala
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When I had my first child almost 40 years ago, it was a girl. I was a bit disappointed thinking if it was a boy, I would have finished my obligation to my family. But there was only one girl on my husband’s side so my daughter was most welcome. My husband said, "it is Laxmi ----first child brings money. I do not think she brought lot of money but she gave us great pleasure. My second child was born after 7 years. That was most wanted so it did not matter that was also girl. My husband’s father had predicted that there would be only girls born to him.
But my friends and relatives started telling us, we must try for a boy and started pitying us. They used to say two girls? No boy? I used to say they are just like boys and their husbands will be two boys for us. Girls grew up. One became doctor.
Then my friend’s Son got married to her. They were having combined family and helping their daughter- in law with raising children were shattered. Some of our friend’s sons bought different flats for their parents if they could afford. Some of those who could not afford converted gallery or passages into kitchen and started living separately in the same flat. However those friends started envying us. My daughter got married and settled in USA and my trips to USA started.
About 10 years ago when I came for the first time there were not so many Indians. I used to meet few in shopping center and we used to talk. One of the old persons from them asked whether we were staying with my son-in law? When I said yes they were shocked. He said in their community, they never stayed with daughter and son in law or eat or drink. I know that it is true in most community that they never stay in daughter’s house because she was married in the same community, in the same town or the next lane. I tried to explain that I consider my daughter to be my son. She is doctor. I have come for her delivery. Where will I stay in this foreign country?
But he shook his head in disgust and thought I was a lost case.
But the real fun started when I started living with them. I used to wait after meals so that I can wash my dish. After few days my daughter took the dish and gave it to my son-in law who was washing dishes. I felt really bad. I remembered my grandmother who never used to sit in the presence of her son-in law and even in presence of my husband. Even my mother used to give a cup of tea to her son-in law with lot of respect. She also use to take back cup from his hand.
Another embracing moment came when my daughter and her husband had an argument. If you take husband’s side thinking that daughter is at fault, then daughter tells me you have to take my side even if I am wrong. She further argued that ‘When his mother comes she takes his side. Hence you must support me. I was in dilemma. However when they had argument next time, I quietly gathered my grandchildren and took them to another room for telling them story.
When Sat/Sun comes, to getting up early becomes a problem. If you work in the kitchen there is a noise, which will wake them up. It also applies in respect of taking early bath. So I thought why not to take a stroll in the Garden. However alarm went off making a loud noise as soon as I opened the door for going out in garden. It waked up everybody and deceived the purpose. Thereafter I started reading book or newspaper whenever I get up early in the morning.
You find some time that your daughter and Son in law are strict with their children and occasionally very lenient asking their choices as what to eat! But if you interfere they do not like it.
So I thought about it in this manner. You will have to stay alone if you go back to India. You will have to give your love to your nebour’s children. Besides that you will have to depend upon someone else. Here at least you are staying with your loved ones.
Hence why should you bother whether children sleep late on Saturday/Sunday? The Parents are busy whole week and on weekends they have to do laundry or to go for buying groceries. Some time they have to attend birthday parties etc. Under such circumstances I thought let them raise their children according to their own wishes. We have lived our life and had also differences. However we solved our problems in our own way.
We have given good education, background and culture to our daughter. Hence she knows how to lead good life and how to raise her children? In old age one must relax and give them help whenever they need it. You may give advice if they asked. You live in present without bothering for future with heart within and God overhead.
(Writer is a retired Doctor by profession. She lives retired life of adjustments with her Daughter and her family in USA. It is staring example how one can make retired life smooth and happy for self and family.)
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