WOMAN AND CHILD ANGER
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BY SUNILA FONDEKAR
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( In the above photograph writer Sunila Fondekar from left along with other two Lady members of the 'Chaubara'.)

(IN THE ABOVE PHOTOGRAPH SOME OF THE MEMBERS OF THE CHAUBBARA FROM LEFT SITTING MRS BANUBAHEN C DESAI AND MRS PREMA SANTHNAM)
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In my talk to day I propose to dwell on different aspects of anger especially on children and women.
In our day-to-day life we come across and experience anger so often that some times we just ignore it or other times we react to it with our own anger. Is it so simple and easy that we deal with this problem by showing anger against anger and more anger?
When I started thinking about anger, I wondered whether it comes through our parent's genes, like many other health factors. My own feeling based on my experiences, dealing with different type of persons and not on any scientific study, is that, the anger is nothing but expression of one's suppressed emotions or frustrations. It arises from their perceived threats to their personal worth, their essential needs or their basic convictions. When a person expects something and cannot get it, he becomes frustrated and, many times, depending on his personality, it manifests into anger. That anger, depending upon its intensity can even result in the form of violent action. It is well known that the anger is not only injurious to the health of the person himself, but it also spoils the whole atmosphere and relations. Some people argue that the anger arises from the superiority complex of the person or his arrogance. But personally, I feel it mainly arises from his inferiority complex or his perceived insecurity, which he wants to hide from others and, through anger, he wants to establish control over them or manipulate them to fulfill his wishes. It is possible that this type of instincts get developed from his childhood.
Such manipulation can come from children, spouse, or even from our dear friends. When I think of such manipulation I am reminded of a person, I used to know, who has destroyed his family life due to his anger. I remember him as a little boy sitting in a corner and quietly playing with his toys. Suddenly he would throw everything away and crying and screaming he would to bang his head on the ground or against the wall. We, as children, were horrified to see such a tantrum. We made sure we never did anything to upset him and always tried to fulfill his wishes. We were afraid of him, although he was younger than us and he knew it. He took advantage of us and manipulated us. His mother always pampered him and did nothing to control his tantrums. Later when he grew up, displaying anger, became his second nature, and through the anger he took advantage of his dear ones. When he entered college he became a good boxer and represented his college. That anger helped him to become a good boxer but ruined his life. His bouts of anger became a problem to his wife and children, resulting in divorce. His mother, however, is still supporting him and blames his wife for his divorce.
A child is not born with anger in him. If we lovingly and skillfully meet his justified demands then the satisfied child can grow to be a good human being. The parents have to teach the child proper family values not by compulsion but by their own good behavior. Many times the parents do not think of their children's feelings or their basic needs and their psychology and force their views or rigid discipline on them. This causes a deep disappointment in children and brings up rebellious feelings in them. A child may not show these feelings openly, but the suppressed anger lies within him, which can later transform him into an angry person.
Perhaps the greatest mistake parents make is to let the child dominate the emotions in the family. The parents may have good intentions of being firm or fair-minded but when the child fails to respond as expected by them, those intentions go haywire. To counter this tendency the parents have to take initiative and deal with the child in a manner that he or she is not psychologically hurt. They should ask themselves, `how can we be composed so that we can get the child behave properly', rather than other way round, " how can we get the child to behave properly so that we can be composed."
The following are some of the points that should be borne in mind:
1. Do not be threatened by your child's anger or his tantrums.
2. Do not pamper your child.
3. Do not make false promises, instead follow through with them.
4. Do not preach.
5. Let choices and consequences shape the child.
6. Do not major on minor points.
7. Share your own experiences with them.
8. Incorporate moral insights delicately, backing them with your own appropriate behavior.
9. Deal with all children in a fair manner without showing favoritism with one or the other or with their peers.
As regards the anger in women, one of the important reasons is the neglect and disrespect by their husbands. In our male dominated society, women are not given adequate appreciation for their roles and are often ignored, or given secondary importance. Many husbands feel superior and try to keep the wives and children under their thumbs causing angry feelings in the family. When the wife tries to express her feelings or opinion, then the arguments start and result in verbal quarrels blaming each other, many times in front of their children. The children cannot understand the arguments and feel confused. Sometimes the parents scold their children due to their own anger confusing them further.
To counter such situations the husband and wife should appreciate each other's roles and have respect for each other. There has to be a good and effective communication between them and their children, so that the points of discord can be sorted out and "nipped in the bud" before they develop into quarrels and antagonism.
Another reason for anger in women is the day-to-day stress, balancing the household chores with taking care of the family. This is more apparent here in the U.S. where domestic help is not as readily available or affordable, as compared to India. Of course for a "working woman" these stresses are multiplied manifold. She feels anger in the workplace when she is unappreciated for her hard work, by her boss, and then she feels guilty and angry when she cannot be the best mother and wife after a long and hard day's work at the office, despite the best intentions.
To control anger some people recommend counting numbers till the anger subsides. I feel that deep and conscious breathing techniques with meditation, can be a better and more effective way to control your anger.
Based on my personal experience, I am certain that whatever the childhood abuse, pampering or other reasons that might have caused one to become an angry person, it is certainly possible to control and get over the bouts of anger with proper selfanalysis, will-power and adoption of other suitable techniques.
(Writer is a Community Worker,Thinker and also have expertise in Yogic technique.)
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